Since it’s World Mental Health Day, I thought it was appropriate to share a stigma about my own mental health. Over the past 20 years, I have suffered from Panic Attacks and Anxiety caused by well, the unknown. I go into a place where nothing makes sense to me – my life, the universe, why we’re here, what it’s all for – to such a degree that I will actually think I am dying. Then, flight or fight kicks in and then I really feel like I am dying. And this scares the bejesus out of me because I have no idea where I’ll go. I’ll just be gone.
And the cycle continues. I somehow find my breathe and calm myself down and then I will think “hey, I am feeling great, what happened to that last bad thought? Oh, there it is.” And the anxiety reappears and off I go, lost in the abyss unable to move, function or do anything really accept panic, pace, shake or try and breathe it out. This has happened a few times to this extent in my life but the worst was last week.
I was attending an amazing event in Kelowna with some really dear friends of mine and for whatever reason, I just could not get a grip on this feeling. It took me out. It took me out so badly that I was literally in bed for days. I went to two doctors trying to get a pill or something to calm my nervous system and mind down but I walked out empty handed as both Doctors trusted I had the tools to calm myself. God damn yoga. But to be honest, I couldn’t do it alone.
I voiced that I was really sad. I was really sad that the world and the people in it were struggling. I am sad that so many people have suffered. I am sad that I don’t know how to fix it, I am sad we’re not better to our planet and I am sad that I have no idea what this all means.
I sometimes don’t know why my life has been so good and why I haven’t suffered like some people I know or why I haven’t had to triumph over some super crazy odds. I feel like I won the jackpot in life – where I live, my health, my friends, my husband, and even my dog. I mean don’t get me wrong, life isn’t always peachy, but it’s pretty amazingly sweet.
* I need to take care of my physical and mental health. That means eat consciously: watch what I put into my body and eradicate the addictive habits like wine every night to soothe and coffee in the morning for a high. I haven’t had either for a few weeks now and I am not sure what role they will play in my life going forward.
* Exercise, Kundalini and Meditate every day! These activities are my lifeblood. I need these moments to myself to function in a conscious loving way.
* Don’t take on other people’s suffering. When I am listening or reading about someone else’s sorrow or suffering it’s not mine to ingest and bring into my body or hold or try and fix. I am here to shine a light, offer guidance and support in ways that feel life-giving. Not where I take on the suffering too.
* Input vs. Output. I am steadily watching how many things I commit to and what I give my energy to. I need to make sure my cup is full (you know the saying) before I giveth to others. More so, just to be aware of how much I give, before I give back to myself. So I monitor all my activities to see if it’s an output or input and watch my boundaries between the two.
*I am in transition, and that’s a place too. So often I want to be somewhere, know it already, get to the destination. But in fact, not knowing is a destination in itself and it’s ok to be there. So that’s where I am. I have uprooted my life and moved to the island. I have started a new business which requires me to be completely vulnerable and brave as it’s finding its
All I know for sure is life is a mystery. I don’t have it all figured out. (Sorry Marie Forleo – not sure this one is figure-out-able) and if it is, well I think that’s when we might move on. That’s my theory but who knows for sure.
I am open to
All my love to you today and always.