On the long road to knowing, owning, and sharing my light, I’m getting a little better at seeing where the major potholes are, and how they slow my progress. Lately I’ve been seeing that fixating on my “fatness” is a big one.
What’s a light killer? It’s whatever causes you to divert precious time and energy away from doing YOU. A negative thought pattern, a self-sabotaging behaviour, or a toxic relationship. I’m sure you know what I mean.
Well, I have to admit that my own body image is connected to all of the above. I have a toxic relationship with my own sense of who I am, what I look like, and whether that’s “good enough”. And I always have.
For years I have been telling myself that I am fat, and I’ll become more “ME” as soon as I lose 20 pounds. In fact, “losing 20 pounds” was on my to-do list for this year. I shit you not. On New Year’s my Dad and I bet $100 to the person who could lose 20 pounds first. I think the most I lost was 7 pounds and I’ve been feeling shitty about it ever since. I’ve been feeling like I can’t do it—but the truth is that I don’t have to. Because…I AM NOT FAT!
Yet I have always thought I was fat. When I was growing up I felt like the big girl. Now, looking at my old photos, I can see clearly that I wasn’t. I was a bit taller and more...how people used to say “big boned”. But as an adult looking at these photos I can clearly see that “big boned” means a strong constitution or a bigger build and that’s all.
I don’t know why I kept telling myself that I was a big girl and that it was a problem. Maybe I was trying to keep my light from shining too brightly. Maybe I was trying to protect myself.
Certainly, my negative self-talk wasn’t the only tool I used to suppress who I really was. I also used drugs, alcohol, and constant attempts to “fit in”, whatever in was at any given time.
The bottom line is that this light killer is wasteful. When I think about the degrading things I’ve said to myself about my body it just feels like the biggest waste. I think about the time and energy I could have devoted to owning my brilliance and being the light that I am.
In this moment of my life I am starting to realize what’s important to me and by gosh, it’s time. Where I spend my time, who I spend my time with, and what I do with that time. There’s nothing more precious then time—not money, not relationships, not anything. And it’s one precious resource that you can’t bottle up and save for later. It’s happening right now, in this moment, before your very eyes and when it passes all you can do is ask yourself what you’ve been doing with it.
So who cares about the bet I made with my dad. Who cares about twenty pounds. I am perfect exactly as I am. My only responsibility is taking care of me with good food choices and behaviours. PERIOD. Focus on that, dear Adera, and own your light NOW.
Time is of the essence. Don’t let the light killers win.